You See Me at My Worst
by CombineGLaDOS
Summary: No matter how strong a person is, they will still have their weak moments and Commander Hayley Shepard is no exception when things begin to get on top of her. Spoilers for the trilogy. Please review if you read


The mission on Arrae had been exhausting, and while it had been nice to see Jacob again, Hayley Shepard was less than overjoyed to have been caught in the explosion from an Atlas mech's grenade gun.

Her back ached and her left arm was throbbing relentlessly, even after Chakwas gave her some pain medication as well as a tube of medi-gel to rub on those areas to assist with healing, fairly confident that, despite the pain, nothing had been broken.

Eventually Hayley decided to nap (read: was no longer able to keep her eyes open), and in what should have been a peaceful, long deserved rest, she had that same reoccurring nightmare of being in the forest, chasing after the small boy who she had seen die back on Earth with the voices of all her friends who had died over the past few years telling her that what she did was okay.

This then lead to the first time in years that Hayley had woken up crying, and any attempt to calm herself down, whether it be counting down from 10 or breathing deeply, just lead to more tears and being thankful that her room was the only room on the top deck; no one would care to hear their commander wailing in sorrow.

She had just pulled the covers over herself to hide her entire, trembling form, when she heard the tell-tale hiss of the door that meant someone had invited themselves into her quarters. Had she not been so emotionally destroyed right now, she would have yelled at whoever it was and told them to get out…or she wouldn't have; as much as she hated invasions of her privacy, she didn't mind her friends barging in most of the time, and that action was something only her friends would do. It was likely just her emotions causing the annoyance.

"Shepard?" The voice was soft and who it belonged to was likely standing halfway between where Shepard was and the entrance. It was definitely someone Hayley knew but her brain was unable to place the voice due to being completely fried by how she was currently feeling.

"Hayley?" The voice had already grown a lot closer, and was thick with worry as whoever it belonged to perched themselves next to Shepard's concealed body, futilely trying to pull back the covers only for Hayley's vice like grip to keep them firmly in place.

"What happened?" It was in that moment the Shepard's brain functioned just enough for her to realise who was trying to talk to her: Liara. She was clearly worse than she thought if she couldn't even recognise her girlfriends' voice.

Hayley attempted to give Liara a response, but it came out as another wracked sob. There was some comfort however, as the asari rubbed her back with enough force that it actually took away from the constant ache.

"It is okay, take as long as you need," Shepard felt Liara try to pull the covers away again, and this time she let her, although she refused to look anywhere but straight ahead, not wanting to make any eye contact with her lover.

Unfortunately for Hayley, Liara wanted to try and comfort her through that method and slid down the bed so she was lying on her side, fully facing Shepard and running her hand through the human's messy red hair while her thumb caressed her cheek.

Part of her felt as though she was being pathetic in front of Liara.

Not even a week ago, Thessia's defences had been decimated by the reapers in front of Shepard, Liara and Tali, and Shepard was in the unfortunate position of trying to calm the asari down afterwards as no one knew what else to say, reassuring her that the destruction of Armali had not even remotely been her fault when all she could do was weep for the loss of her homeworld.

Now, Liara was trying her hardest to calm down Shepard, still totally unaware of the fact that the emotional outburst had been the product of the same nightmare that Hayley had been having virtually every time she slept over the past couple months.

"Why are you so upset?" Liara's brow was furrowed as she spoke, her voice thick with concern for the otherwise emotionally solid commander.

"N…nightmare…" Hayley managed to get out, constantly making and breaking eye contact with the other woman while her cheeks became a little too red to be consistent with the flush that was charismatic to crying.

"The same one?" Hayley nodded, finally managing to stop sobbing as she began to realise how ridiculous the whole situation was.

The whole galaxy was depending on an incredible hero to come along, put an end to a range of conflicts and stop the biggest threat to civilisation, and at this current moment in time, this hero was having to be comforted by the shadow broker because a bad dream broke her resolve.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Liara asked, although Shepard was unwilling to answer.

She wanted to talk about it; to open the floodgates and mention not just the nightmare, but every single little thing that had been slowly destroying her over the years. How life's events, both recent and from decades ago, were causing Hayley to doubt herself and her ability to end this war before there was no galaxy left to save.

"Not really," was all Shepard could manage in the end. She trusted Liara more than anyone else she had ever met, and never had an issue talking about how she actually felt before with her, but right now she couldn't bring herself to do it. She just didn't have it in her.

"Are you sure?" Liara had not stopped the movement of her hand the whole time, and seemed intent on trying to ease Shepard into a relaxed state.

"Yes, I…" Hayley hesitated before she corrected herself, "no…"

"Okay,"

A silence lingered between the pair after Liara one word reply. It gave Hayley the opportunity to outpour everything that was bothering her, but the word did not force her to co-operate unless she wanted to. Shepard knew the asari would think no less of her if she told her what had caused this, but the perpetually strong willed part of her made the confessing a lot harder than it should have been.

"I miss Kaidan," Shepard finally said, refusing to meet Liara's eyes, "and Mordin, and Legion, and Thane…" Thinking of them, she remembered how they had been sacrificed to save the many (although the latter three essentially made the choice themselves) and Hayley's mind was brought to a conversation that she had had with Garrus, about how reducing a war to arithmetic made you as bad as the reapers, even if it was an inevitability.

"They would all be proud of you and all that you have done in this war so far," Shepard continued to look away while Liara went on, "few have the resolve you do; the burning fire that makes people want to follow you to wherever you may be going and whatever you may be fighting."

Shepard snorted internally at Liara's words. Miranda had said something similar during one of their conversations back when they were seeking to destroy the collectors, and Hayley had always found it humbling that so many people would just follow her into the jaws of death because of who she was and the energy that she always carried with her. Those same people would probably laugh if they could see her now.

"Too many people have died and will still die…and we don't even know how to finish the crucible…"

"We will find out though. After the party tomorrow, we are heading straight for Chronos Station and we will find Vendetta and it will tell us what the catalyst is," Hayley could hear Liara's uncertainty, as though the asari did not believe her own words but was saying them because they both knew that one of the biggest factors for bolstering Liara's resolve was Shepard believing something was possible, "and as for the people dying, it is an inevitable part of any conflict. You will stop this, Shepard. Everyone is behind you."

"Yeah," Hayley knew that that last part was not true. Several people had made it very evident that they did not support her, wishing to spend their time fighting conventionally as opposed to throwing all their resources and assets at some super weapon that may not even work. Hell, half of those who were behind her were only there reluctantly because they didn't really have anything else left to fight for anymore.

There was one other thing that was plaguing Shepard's mind however…

"I miss my dad…" Shepard caught the confusion that flashed across Liara's face. Even the human had to admit it was a rather strange thing to be upsetting her, given everything else that was currently happening.

Hayley's dad was killed in a sky car accident when she was four. She was also in the accident and remembered it as vividly as the Skyllian Blitz, the view of the orange fireball on Palaven's surface from Menae and the fall of Thessia. It was one of the few memories she had of her father, the others being the mandatory telling offs and conversations where he made her feel as though everything would be alright after she tripped and grazed her knee or accidently let go of a balloon.

"He would be proud of you as well, if he could see the incredible woman you have become," Liara sounded certain, so much so that Hayley could almost believe her.

"He wouldn't have been. I remember him having an argument with my mom, right before she left for the First Contact War. He hated her being in the Alliance so I doubt he would have been okay with me joining," Shepard was somewhat amazed with her ability to remember that argument so clearly, but it was so aggressive it had clearly burned itself into her mind when she was three. She also remembered his reaction when he found out that her mom was among the unfortunate 623 who were killed during the occupation of Shanxi.

"And I am sure my father would not have been proud of me being the shadow broker, but she seems to handle it rather well now," Shepard knew Liara was attempting to make her smile, but the efforts were in vain.

"I feel tired…I might just go to sleep and hope I don't have another nightmare," Shepard sighed after another lingering silence, rolling on to her other side so that she was no longer facing her girlfriend. She was still however, able to feel the asari's weight shift on the bed as she got up to leave, and quickly spoke to stop her.

Liara eventually settled back but wrapped her arms around Hayley protectively, allowing the Commander to settle herself fully into her.

"Thank you, Liara," Shepard said as she closed her eyes and wished for a happy dream where the reapers were gone and it was just her, Liara and a lot of little blue children, "I love you."

"I love you too," the human heard Liara say just as she was about to drift off, "for now and always."

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 **A/N: Originally, this was meant to be from Liara's perspective (although still in third person) but I was feeling pretty down when I wrote this so it was far easier to write it from Shepard's perspective.**

 **Please leave a review if you read this, I love knowing what people think :)**


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